Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
