Are we in a gay sports bar?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
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