I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize