I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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