Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
