Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
