I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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