I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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