maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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