I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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