the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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