Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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