i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
