I wish my penis had an off switch
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
