it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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