I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
