i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
