Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize