Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
