Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize