New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
