Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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