OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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