rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
