Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
