I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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