i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
