That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
