Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
