guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
