you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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