final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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