Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
