I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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