My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
