Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
