I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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