I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
