Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
