i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There's always time for handjobs
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
