Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
