Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
