Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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