The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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