i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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