Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
So squirting runs in the family.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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