So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
