Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
im six kinds of drunk right now
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
