i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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