Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
