she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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