I hate your face
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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