my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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