apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
