Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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